Dumbo, I envy your feather.

Dear memory,

I remember what it was like having you – which shows promise.

Over the years we've had our ups and downs. I still don't understand why you've forgotten my first kiss, yet recorded every detail of the time I tried having the "my body's going through changes" talk with a redneck kid the summer before 6th grade – the summer I became a man (A man that wouldn't get to first base until…I can't remember. Help me out, you.) I'd rather watch It's Pat all-the-way-through then ever have to recall that awkward talk – I didn't know silence could last that long. Sheesh, I'd rather be in It's Pat. The only other thing I remember about that kid is that his younger brother relished kicking me in the genitals. BEST. SUMMER. EVER!!!

Recently, to assist you, I've started taking Ginkgo Biloba, an herbal supplement that strengthens memory or gets rid of nine dollars every few months – I'm still on the fence.

This is the first vitamin I've stuck to; it's drinkable. Anything I can put in my mouth to affect my brain for good or worse, I'm all over. I only wish it could taste worse, were such a thing possible, to resemble what I'm used to. I'd drink something out of a shoe if it made it cheaper.

The positive: it comes in these dark little vials covered in Asian writings; they make me feel like an old-timey alchemist (Spell check doesn't want me to use the phrase 'old-timey'. To spite spell check, I'm going to use it even more.) I find myself constantly clinking them together, making that old timey "Warriors, come out to plaaaayyyyy" sound, acting like I'm looking through witch ingredients; newt's eye, baby's breath, wing of bat, Tom Green's cancer ball, etc. Oh, it feels old-timey splendid, even better than urinating in a pool and watching someone you hate swim through it…old-timey style. In order to add to the overall apothecary effect, I hope to light some incense, maybe get some dry ice or a Mogwai struggling to get out of a box.

My roommates have started getting bummed that each time before taking my vitamins, I find them, make them pay attention to me, and say, "See you on the other side." I take them twice a day.

So, let me know if it's fixing you, memory. If it isn't, don't say anything about it for the next couple weeks; I still have fourteen bottles left.

Old-Timey Sincerely,

Stu O. T. Rase

p.s. Old timey.